How to say no without feeling guilty? How to say no without offense? How to say no without hurting self or others?

These are typical questions that most people ask themselves. Why is such a simple and short word so hard to get pass our lips? The answer is very simple.  As humans, we search for acceptance, approval, and appreciation. It is part of being a species and in a community of like-minded others. Hard-wired into us is the innate desire to be accepted.

Oftentimes, this causes us to cater what you say to others so as not to hurt their feelings or place animosity between them and you. This typically leads to saying “yes” to things that deep down we are not interested in – all for the sake of saving face and ultimately, friendships.

While we have the right to SAY NO, we tend to compromise because we understand that we are all different.  So how do we balance it so that what makes YOU different is also honored?

Tips to learn how to say NO without offending anyone

Know your “no”

Identify what is important to you and what is not. This way, there isn’t a huge time buffer or a back-peddle to get out of something you prematurely committed to or agreed upon.  If you do not know where you want to spend your time, you will not know where you do not want to spend your time. Bеfоrе уоu саn say "no" wіth confidence, уоu hаvе to be сеrtаіn thаt уоu wаnt tо ѕау no and perhaps a few ways to express it.

Be grateful

It is almost never an insult when people ask you a favor. They are asking you for help because they trust you and believe in your abilities to help. So thanking them for thinking about you or making the query/invitation is a great way to start off a conversation that will later counter your participation.  Asking for time to think about a commitment, to check your schedule or even asking for more information before making an educated decision can all be helpful in proposing your position thereafter.  

Say “no” to the request, not the person

You are not rejecting the person; you simply reject their invitation. This is clear. Let the requestor know what you respect about them and their offer - maybe you admire the work they are doing or the thought of inviting you to participate in a project, or you recognize their passion or generosity. Simply by being polite and friendly, you can let them know that you are not discarding their program or passion, but that is simply does not resonate with you or your current goals at this time.

Explain why (with specifics – not because you need to justify)

The details of your reason for saying "no" make very little difference. However, having a reason does. Maybe you're too busy. You may not feel like doing what you are being asked to do. Be honest about why you are saying no. This may even clear up misunderstandings or common misconceptions that would have wound up being future obligations or requests made to you further down the road. By expressing your interests (and even disinterests), you may be saving yourself a great deal of time and stress in the future!

Be firm and consistent

Some people do not give up easily. They are within their rights. But without violating any of the above rules, give yourself permission to be as aggressive/assertive as they are. They may or may not respect you for it, bt ultimately, you are respecting yourself!

Establish a preventive "No"

We all know certain people in our lives who tend to make repeated requests. In those cases, it is better to say “no” before the request. Let the person know that you are focused on a couple of things in your life and try to reduce your obligations in all other areas. If it is your boss who tends to make requests, talk to him in advance about where you intend to spend your time. Then, when the requests arrive, you can refer to your previous conversation.

Prepare to win for YOU!

Some of us have a hard time saying “no” because we fear losing an opportunity. And saying no does not always lead to a missed opportunity. Remember that when you say "no" to a request, at the same time you are saying "yes" to something you value more than the request – be it your own time, talents or budget. Both are opportunities. You are just choosing one over the other.

Remember your value

If you are someone who is used to saying yes, you will find it takes more courage to say no, especially if the person requesting does not give up easily.  You may have initial impressions that you are disappointing someone or you are not up to expectations, and you may imagine that you will be frowned upon by many. Those thoughts are at the cost of your sanity and the only true and most precious commodity life offers – time.  Honor yourself and you’ll find that the process gets easier and easier.