The Art of Sticking up for Yourself

We are faced with tough choices every single day. Sometimes, the hardest choice is to speak up and stand up for what is right. We all know that we shouldn't let people walk all over us, but how do we actually keep that from happening? Maybe you weren't raised to speak up. Maybe you are too timid, or tolerant to the point of compromising your own worth at times. Whatever the reason is, it doesn't matter. The following steps will help you say what you need to say and help others understand where you are coming from with minimum conflict.

Pick your battles wisely

You must choose the situations that negatively impact you the most. If you try these steps every single time you have a problem, you may not be as effective. So, strategically pick your battles. Maybe choose one instance per person that is over-the-top wrong or offensive. Commit to handling that effectively while maintaining your cool in other areas that will see their time also.

Listen to that little voice inside your head

Your intuition tells you whether a situation is right or wrong. Many times, we don't act on it because we want to avoid conflict or confrontation. We will convince ourselves that “it's not that serious” or we doubt our judgment. If the voice inside your head is so loud, that it's affecting your wellbeing. That’s your cue to do something about it.

Don't second guess yourself

It can be frightening to say something to correct a situation, which makes it feel almost impossible to work up the courage to say anything at all. To avoid the discomfort, we tell ourselves that we are overreacting or flat out think we're not worthy enough to put someone in their place. Who am I, anyway? You don't hold the position of power; you aren't the breadwinner, you aren't as old, you aren't as smart, your opinion doesn't matter. WRONG! Your social status has no bearing on your needs as a human being. Your opinion matters and your feelings matter. Go with your gut and your grit and commit to addressing what you know in your heart is troublesome. Perhaps one day, it won’t bother you. But for now, it does.

What you want matters

Why should anyone else's feelings be more important than your own? Everyone has different needs and values in life. It is your responsibility to make it clear what you are not willing to tolerate. If you can't muster the confidence to stand up for yourself, you really have no right to be upset. As stated before, other people have different values and priorities. They aren't mind readers. You have to say something to be heard and understood. By simply, acknowledging that everyone has different needs and views, you can open conversation with something similar to “ I understand we all feel differently about such-and-such. As for me personally, I feel this way and this is what I request or recommend for future occurrences…”

Look them in the eye

When the time comes to stand up for yourself, you must make eye contact. It is the most important thing when you are dealing with confrontation or conflict. Eye contact will show the other person that you have confidence. It will make it clear that what you are saying is important and entice the other person to listen to you and HEAR you. You may find that they will look away because they too don't like confrontation. If that is the case, have compassion for them, but also stick to your statement in a graceful and to-the-point way.

Use your big boy/girl voice

This is not about yelling, but it’s about projecting your voice loud enough that the person can hear what you are saying. Do not mumble. Be clear and concise. Your voice should captivate your audience because what you're saying is important for them to hear.

Keep emotion out of it (stick with the facts)

To keep the conversation from going south, you must state factual information only. Avoid using assumptions or too much emotion behind what you are saying. Crying distracts from the message. Yelling distracts from the message. Condescending remarks distract from the message. Sarcasm distracts from the message. Keep these in mind and keep your message clear, without drama or drowning them in data.

All of the above emotional responses cause people to put their guard up or not take you seriously. They will focus on defense more than the message itself. The whole point of you speaking up is to be heard. So try your best to remain calm and speak clearly and concisely with the facts.

Keep it simple

Try to water down your message as simply as possible. The more words you use, the more complicated things get. It also increases the chances of the conversation to crash and burn. Try to make it one to two sentences. For instance, “when you did this, it caused this and I felt this. I recommend or request this in the future.” Simple as that.

Stand your ground

The person you are confronting may get defensive. They may try to intimidate you. You must remember that what you are saying is important. Do not allow them to sway your opinion on the matter. The fact is that when they did something, it had a negative effect on you. They need to be aware of that, no matter their reasons behind it. If in the moment, you are actually humbled by some facts that prove to be in their defense, you can still honor your feelings while also extending them the same courtesies you are requesting. State how you felt and how the new information can help future incidents be avoided altogether.

Move on/don’t hold a grudge

As said before, people aren't mind readers. When you addressed the issue, it could have caused a rift in your relationship or it may have even lightened a load you were carrying, bringing you closer to the original person you had issue with. Either way, the past is the past. Let the future organically evolve into what it will.

When you stand up for yourself, you are fostering an environment for others to stand up as well. You will pave the way and potentially better the surroundings for everyone. Be the change you wish to see!